Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Days 37 and Beyond: Balance

No fucking "I told you so's".

Not a one.

I'm seeking balance, and in doing so, ditching my one hundred day plan to graze like a caveman until 2013.  Because let's be honest, there's nothing balanced about a diet free of lentils.  Not in my opinion. 

As I write this I hear the voices of everyone I know whispering their particular nutritional philosophies in my ear.

"I'm glad you're stopping" some will say.  
"There's no way you can live without bread".
"It's bad for the earth, all of that meat-eating.  Mother Earth thanks you".  
"How are you going to survive the holidays?  You know you're just going to go back to your old ways...".
"The FDA says we need dairy, you know, because of osteoporosis and stuff".
"Classic Taylor.  A big, fat quitter".

Okay, maybe that last quote comes directly from my own self-conscious, sub-conscious brain.  The point is, everyone I know has had an opinion about this Paleo thing one way or the other.  I have some friends that think I'm destined for heart failure because the lifestyle is meat-centric while other friends have had their fingers crossed for me these last few weeks hoping this will be the miracle cure a sugar-addicted, plus-sized depressive like me needs. (I probably shouldn't refer to myself as a depressive because my mom will worry.  Sorry mom.  No need to worry, but yeah, I get the sadness on occasion.)  

Maybe it's the sugar-addict talking, but I'm through with being extreme.  I think I often mistake my situation as extreme, and therefore believe that the only way to fix myself (as if I were broken) is to create an extreme action.  But those who know me well know I've been here before, and they know my story is a cyclical one.  I, having given up on myself, look in the mirror, see Jabba the Hut, decide I need to change right now, latch on to a wild idea, get disappointed because said wild idea is not the magic bullet I was hoping for, and then, with a broken spirit, give up on myself.  Days later I, having given up on myself, look in the mirror, see Jabba the Hut, decide I need to change right now...you get the idea.  

Well as a wise man once said, the only way to break a cycle is to break the cycle.  No?  Is that not a real quote?  C'mon somebody must have said that at some point, right?  Dr. Drew...

Where were we?  Oh, yes!  Breaking the cycle.  Let's do it!  Let's focus on what we have instead of what we don't have.  Sure, I'll never be a Bond Girl or one of Maxim's Top 100.  Truth is, I really don't care about that shit.  I would, however, like to wear a sundress in the summer without feeling embarassed. I'd  like to have have arms strong enough to carry my child* without breaking a sweat.  And I'd like to know that my legacy will not have anything to do with my weight.  I don't want to be known as a woman who never loved her body because she was too busy comparing herself to others.  And I'm ashamed to say that for the last twenty years or so, that's all I've done.  I've buried my accomplishments under the comparisons of others, and I've fallen short every time.  

Now, I'm no fool.  I know that one doesn't diet and binge and diet and binge from the age of nine to thirty-two and then just suddenly wake up one day, write a compelling post at a short-lived blog and then stop.  I know the road ahead is rocky - someone say Rocky Road? - and I know that I'll need your help, friends.  One way you can help is by posting a comment below full of love and light and empty of disappointment and "I told you so's".  (I really fucking hate the "I told you so's".)  Another way you can help is by recommending a good therapist.  That's a joke.  Kind of.

Alright homies, the end is here.  Thanks for reading!  
May your life be happy and balanced...

*No, I'm not pregnant.  Stop asking.


  1. T, you are a beautiful, beautiful person. Many, many, many children, including mine. look up to you for so many reasons. We all find you gorgeous and lovely and perfect, just the way you are. We love you.

  2. I, for one, think you're onto something, and, of course, I think you're gorgeous and amazing!... Oh, I think I could help you out with a therapist referral too... xoxo

  3. Taylor, I have so much love for you and I know, down there inside, you have the same love for yourself thus the simplification and new focus on the insides. The outsides seriously don't matter (though you do have beautiful outsides, like stunning), the outsides age and change and fade for everyone but don't deprive yourself of enjoying your life and your sweet nature and all you bring to the world creatively. We love you.

    (I have a great referral too. YOu can take my spot since I'm working my ass off right now. She's helped me infinitely.)

  4. To my beautiful daughter - I think you and I and some others could use some good therapy and think that you are on to something in that regard. Bottomline, I like what pmichellej said about you not depriving yourself of enjoying your life in the here and now!...Also, your goal is to be healthy..mentally and physically...and that does take work...whatever you do please "keep on keeping on" - I WANT A GRANDBABY!!!!!!!!!Love, MOM

  5. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. As a person who has tried many diets over my lifetime, I can honestly say the ones that restricted me from eating foods that had been a part of my eating habits in the past, were usually the diets that I quit the quickest. Yes I did see results, but the weight always came back to me very quickly when I quit the diet. I think after I had Shelayna up until my 40's I tried a lot of diets to try to get me back to my high school weight, which was not only unrealistic but also not necessary. I looked fine with the extra 20 lbs that I had put on, but that High School weight number kept me fixated on diets. The bad news now is that I have dieted so many times in my life and have lost and gained so much weight over my lifetime, that now when it is really important to lose the weight for health issues, I am burned out and tired of the whole mess. I have plenty of incentive and I know that I will do it because Diane has told me so. Please don't put your life on hold trying to reach that number. You are so much more than that number on the scale...and you have a wonderful husband that loves you, and family and friends that love you, and little children that love you, and my little Hollis loves her some Taylor. I have no light for you, but definately have plenty of love for you.