Day 2: Stalling

We, September 17, 2012.

For years I've avoided occasions because of my weight.  I ditched my ten year high school reunion because of my weight.  I skipped my college graduation because of my weight.  I've put off seeing old friends because I'm under the impression that they aren't aware of my weight gain since last we met, and I don't want them to see me this way (despite the fact that I have pics of myself on Facebook in all my full-figured glory).  The only thing that I've ever participated in, even though I was overweight, was my wedding day.  If I could have postponed the occasion six months so that I could have yet another go at getting healthy, I would have.  But because you can't push back a wedding, and because I really wanted to marry my husband, I put on my gown and a happy face.

I'm a procrastinator.  A staller.  And I finally, after thirty-two years of living, have found the one thing that has a due date I can't postpone: my fertility.

My husband and I would like to start trying to get pregnant next year, but I'm committed to being at a healthy BMI before I let another human being set up shop in my mid-section.  I'm already extremely uncomfortable in this body, and I can't imagine tacking on any more weight, which is why my stalling days are over.  It's time to get healthy so that I can do the one thing that's ever really mattered to me, which is, to be a mom.  All of that said, it's important for me to publicly recognize that I will be a mom whether or not I get pregnant or give birth to my children.  I've always planned to adopt, and if my bio-ship has sailed, figuratively speaking, I'm okay with that.  Did you hear that, universe?  It's all good.

Today I stalled in a way I never have before.  I stalled getting home.  I usually bike the short mile between my apartment and my job.  Today I walked home, bike in hand, because I knew that the sooner I got home the longer the Shakespearean drama of 'to eat or not to eat' would play out in my head.  Traditionally, I reward myself after a long day of playing with first graders with an iced latte and some sort of bread and sugar based treat.  Knowing that my afternoon ritual would not be waiting for me kept me from rushing home.  Instead, I took my time, and when I finally reached the finish line that was my front door I beelined to my bed and took a nap.  A treat, still, just a different kind of treat.  And so, my stalling takes a new and improved form...for now.